blustery with a 10% chance of using my all

the daywalker and i were excited because the local forecast called for today to be blustery.  the verdict is out, but so far, it's not too blustery, or squally, or tempestuous outside.  it's rather calm.  damn near peaceful, even.  inside, not indoors, but in me, there was a turbulent and noisy confusion, because i happily allowed there to be.

brief backstory.  a little over 3 years ago, i decided to walk away from most things in my life.  some were hard to  leave: the 500 or so cd's i gave away and my then darling katelyn were easily the tops.  some weren't too hard to do without, and have been amazing to leave: cable and network television, new york, big polluted city living, and the rat race, amongst others.  yeah, there's a lot in that.   it's also not the focus of today's focus.  those days were more violent and stormy.  today we're discussing blusterousness.

at the time i walked away from what was familiar to me, the tv show entourage was probably my favorite program to watch.  vinny had just released the bomb-to-be medellin at cannes, and it was clear pain was on the horizon.  since hbo does a good job at protecting their product, and because i was not quick to allow many things back in my life that i'd kicked out, i went through my pains and pleasures sans the queens boys in an icarus-like free fall to revamped stardom.

3 years later, i'm pleased to not know who britney is dating, or why paula abdul or simon cowell are no longer on AI, or to not have personally discovered snookie until south park did their summer send-up.  i'm also pleased to allow quality into my life.  thus, over the last 3 days, during some personal time at work, i reached into the past to reclaim entourage and watch tv programming the neo-modern way - in one fell swoop.  watching 12 episodes over 2 nights and one morning, there is certainly less anticipation than viewing it over a 3 month period.  there's less guessing of what's to come, since i need merely cue up the next episode to discover what's to be.  and maybe, to be able to hold the viewer, there also needs to be a quality product.  i'm left more convinced than ever that there is something very special happening on this show's set.  the writing, the pseudo-mirror image of hollywood, the acting, the bonds on screen, the support of a studio known for making quality programming, universal stories, stories within stories within stories, and more - this show has the goods.

i flew through months of vinny and the gang's most tortuous times within days.  i felt their pains.  i felt what it's like to be a hack.  a star.  a has been.  the small guy.  the loser.  the salesman.  somebody lost.  a positive voice.  a confident voice.  hurt.  alone.  afraid.  regretful.  sad sad sad.  doubtful.  and real.

i let my delinquent protege re-sleep in this morning, after i supported psycho-pharmacology and big business and silly psychological thinking by waking him to take some meds that are questionably okay at best.  i grabbed my meds - coffee, vitamins, a healthy breakfast, and once again, entourage.  with a sunny and moderately chilly and windy day outside, i embarked on the turbulence that was vinny's hollywood exile - his darkest days to date.

after the 11th episode, the youngster was stirring, but i wasn't.  uh uh.  i was watching episode number 12, the finale, and taking in whatever was given me.  i told my boy he had a 1/2 hr to wake, shower, etc, and then we'd head over to get some breaky for him and more coffee and maybe a 2nd breaky for me.  i put the headphones back on, noticed the lad went in the bathroom for a shower, and proceeded to block out the outside world to a large extent.  5 or 10 or 15 minutes or so later, i knew the lad had left the bathroom and was around.  i knew he hadn't left the cabin, so my job of supervision was in effect, but i didn't really care what exactly he was doing.  i cared about vinny and turtle and drama and e and ari.  i cared about the minor characters.  they were doing their parts and doing them well.  well enough that i had walked right into the eye of this perfect storm while remaining fixed into the seat of my chair.  the tears were pouring down my face.  they had no chance to stain my cheeks and neck since new pools formed and flowed with new revelations, new lows, and then a powerful return to glory.  the redemption song.  done about as real as hollywood can muster, which is still maybe only 2D by comparison, but damn, there is something real with this show, these characters, if not the real life composites they represent.

i felt vinny's doubt.  and the group's love.  or was that my love?  or maybe ours?  either way, i rode that cathartic wave and glided down to the calm shore with a sheer coat of saline lipstick covering an enormous smile.  then i noticed the kid sitting 2 feet to my left, doing a crossword.  there's no hiding i'd been crying like a lil babe, and why the heel would i anyway?!?  i walked away from hiding myself, also, and that's been a priceless gift i've given me.

i turned to the lad upon standing up, smiling, faced glossed, a little louder and more animated than the "usual" me would, "yeah i was crying.  balling.  it was emotional, okay!"
and he understood, unlike the stereotypical kid or person or foreigner or dumbed down american we think wouldn't.  cause he's real.  like i just was and continued to be, since i thought of that episode and season and conclusion a few times since, and i've teared up and cried almost every time.  and loved all those moments.  and was inspired to write.  and cry.  and laugh.  and share it all.