no accounting for emotion

i was fired from my job yesterday.  it did not come as a surprise.  in fact, i expected it.  prior to expecting it, i anticipated that if i took this 1 action, there was a good chance i would get found out and fired.  and yet, here i am.

what was this action i took that was a no-coming-back action?  i broke the no contact outside of work rule and emailed a departing student.  as getting fired goes, there are many ways, and many worse ways, to get fired.  maybe those of us that get fired, get fired in the ways that make most sense for who we are and where we're at in life.  if i were to argue the pro's and con's of that idea, this post would go on much longer than i already have plans for it to.  i'll merely paraphrase a friend's jovial statement to me last night, "This is a good way for you to go out.  it makes sense.  it was the right way, the right student...it's poetic."

it could very well be that if someone in my position was doing their job well and right, the type of intense bond i formed with this student, and was personally and programatically encouraged to nurture, would happen often.  maybe it does happen all the time.  and then the very finite relationships end when the student leaves.

in this case, the leaving brought about pain.  hurt.  the type that both this 17 year old student and my 35 year old ass were thrown for a loop with.  on my last evening with her, last monday, i read a letter that she wrote to myself and my fellow dear guides.  in the letter that she refused to read aloud because she knew she'd cry, she addressed me first.  within moments, at least 1 co-worker was in tears.  why?  because this student said some things on the record that maybe are experienced often in this field, but which are typically only expressed between dear friends, family, and loved one's.  i think my co-worker began crying during this sentence, "our bond is one of the most amazing things i've ever experienced, and i'm glad to say that you're probably the best friend i've ever had, and i mean that."  more praise and endearment followed.  i was touched.

the next afternoon, i said goodbye, thinking i'd make the rare guide action - come back to work during my off-shift to participate in a goodbye circle for this student.  i also said goodbye to the 24/7 survelliance and such that guiding brings about, and hello to personal freedom.  freedom to be, think, and feel, in my way, on my time.  thus, after a couple wonderful hours of dancing and merry making, i reread that goodbye letter, given anonymously to me in my work mailbox.  i cried and cried and cried.  a couple months ago, i happily decided to walk alongside this student into her personal hell. the result of this was that she joined the list of those i'd include as my loved one's.  i've been known to do some rash, silly, and wonderful things for loved one's.  in this case, i wrote an email.  the content is as follows, and the only changes were to names of program students:

M


were you disappointed with my final words via summit communication?
probably
are you somewhat elated to see i've wrote you in your personal email?
probably


why am i?  well, that's complex.


i had a lot i planned to say at your goodbye circle.  5-10 minutes worth.  i contemplated reading the letter you wrote publicly.  and overall the speech would have circled around the idea of love.  well, just because you decided to cancel your goodbye circle does not mean you don't get to hear from papa spice, it just meant i had to decide in what form you'd hear my words, and i decided to go this route.  is this a sign that i, too, am checking out of summit.  perhaps.   more on that later.


i was gonna start of with 1 of those seemingly disconnected ideas.  this one would have been how on tuesday's, the guides take part in 1 full staff meeting from 10-11 am.  a different person or department speaks each week on some topic that relates in one way or another to our job.  well, i have been asked to speak during this 10-11 block about how i go about guiding.  and i've refused to give that speech.  even though i could have received a large raise from doing that.  if it was easily quantifiable to outline and discuss how i do what i do, i probably would have, but it isn't.


part of what i do is step up, happily, where most others have reached the end of their know how.  like i did with you and the student from years ago with the flying heart design.  had others given up on you?  i don't know.  i don't know their minds.  i think some people have an automatic give up mentality when someone isn't playing by the rules.  and you, marti, did not play by many summit rules.  you decided not to "just say no" merely because the man told you to say that, whether you meant it or not.  furthermore, you stated that you would say yes to some of the things that brought you to summit.  i think some people are afraid of that type of free spirit and thinking.  and don't know how to deal with it.  and that's where i come in, in this case, as your direct guide.


so how would i quantify in a short summary to the community how to handle a situation like when you had a difficult phone call, decided you wouldn't be able to deal with anna/english class, then went to your cabin?  would saying "listen, actively listen, and be willing to relate something about your own life" even begin to cover that experience?  i don't think so.  and yet, that's what i did.  i listened.  and i felt for you.  felt your hurt.  let you know this.  and i talked.  and you needed something humanly tangible, so i spoke some regarding my past and my book.  soon enough, without any hugs or touch, you were comforted enough to be left alone.


and soon enough, after that same shift, if i recall, you received your first hug from me after having earned full privileges.  M - i don't think i know anybody whom enjoys touch and hugs more than i do.  and i wanted to hug you prior.  and i wanted you to earn it.  so i denied your hug attempts until you did.  and you did.  thereafter, we've had many a hug, and something special went into each one, maybe because you had to earn that 1st one.  kinda like money earned versus money given.


time goes on.  and when i am with my semester team, whether i am calm or stressed or in parts in between, i'm loving life, because i'm working with cool co-guides and dealing with awesome youngsters like yourself (other names omitted here).  and how would i quantify what i do from small interactions to large ones.  i think saying "love" suffices, but again, that wouldn't go over well in a presentation.  


example scenario - 


ummm, how would you provide love?
-well, it depends on the moment, but maybe a kind word, or maybe a hug
what about ntp?
-sometimes you gotta say "fuck it" in regards to ntp
when and how do you know to say that?
-that's a whole different tuesday 10-11 topic that probably would never be officially allowed by management
ummm
me, laughing - yup.


and back to our regularly scheduled email.
soon enough i was your temporary dad, or papa spice as you called me in your "see ya later" letter, and i think we both knew there was much in that relationship type.  much that probably never would be spoken of, but which was significant and needed and endearing.  


so, you've come a long way.  if others refuse to see that you have - fuck 'em.  in my mind, you are a special, wonderful, smart, and beautiful young woman, inside and out.  and your smile - wow.  your mischievous impy smile is nice, but that's not what i refer too.  i speak of the one that shows off your genuine care for others, your love, and remaining innocence.  it's magical.  please, share it often.


and we've come a long way.  by guiding in the way that i do, i am open to great returns, be that respect, love, hurt, and anything else on that spectrum.  so, i heard you and the other kiddos when you spoke of how you defended me to jami.  how you mentioned that i treat y'all with respect.  and i thank you.  and i heard you in the goodbye letter you wrote.  and i reread that a few times tuesday evening and bawled my eyes out.  and i reread it this morning and cried a little bit more.  because you are awesome.  because we shared something special.  because what kind of a best friend would i be if i left you hanging?  so, you'll get some more of me.  and summit, not much more.  i think i'm done there.  done being often misunderstood and criticized for providing my open heart and mind.  and done forming intense relationships that i am then forbidden to continue.  to me, the people matter more than the system, so i am saying yes to the people.  yes to an email chain relationship with you, M.  and no to a system i believe less and less in as time goes on.  i plan to give my 2 shift notice of termination come next tuesday.


i'm proud to have grown so close to you M.  proud that you allowed yourself to get close with me.  your present and future, if you want it to be, will be amazing.  


if'n you need me, you know how to find me






Be Well,


Richard T. Najdowski



that's it.  2 people that will unabashedly cross and erase lines that they don't want to apply.  or maybe just 1 person - me. i could have gotten away with picking and choosing some of these sentiments to say either: off the record, on the record, or not at all.  clearly, i made it official.  and because of that "my way" attitude, this will likely change very little in my life.  the day before i was fired, i had given my notice of termination.

my post guiding plans?  to walk the earth.  full-time gypsy.  i had a lot of emotion regarding this also - the walking away from all i know.  walking away from job, societal norms.  walking away from people that i've grown close to in my work community - even if i cared less for the umbrella of program rules, regulations, and psychological thought, that doesn't mean i didn't care for those people implementing that system.  i love them all.  a lot.  and judging by some words and hugs last night, that love was no 2 way street.  this love had enough intersections and convergences to make at least a small town.  a small, lovely town like the one i will now be walking away from.  a town which also holds my best friend, whom i forced to fire me because of what i've written here.  and walking away from the youngings, like my nieces and nephews, an issue i was simultaneously crying over late last week.

was this an instance of tough times call for tough measures or people?  doubtful.  and no, i did not need to go out so dramatically that i shut a door or 3 behind me.  emotionally charged or not, i do silly and questionable and wonderful things.  being a gypsy and meandering into the mystic fits all three.  thankfully.
cheers