this song is so short and sweet that sweet was included twice in its title - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdwQ1TXJ18I
believe it or not, i received many raised eyebrows while working at SA. i think i've been sent to the principal's office at every job i've ever held. in my first SA stint, i had a number of closed door conversations with the brass. this time around, i had a total of 1 official, but undocumented, vote of disapproval, prior to being fired. that was because i allied with the students. with allied based therapy, it made perfect sense to me to ally with the students. but it didn't make sense to management that teach us to you ally-based therapy.
believe it or not, i received many raised eyebrows while working at SA. i think i've been sent to the principal's office at every job i've ever held. in my first SA stint, i had a number of closed door conversations with the brass. this time around, i had a total of 1 official, but undocumented, vote of disapproval, prior to being fired. that was because i allied with the students. with allied based therapy, it made perfect sense to me to ally with the students. but it didn't make sense to management that teach us to you ally-based therapy.
from the SA website, "Summit Achievement utilizes an ally-based counseling approach that focuses on the importance of establishing a connection with each student; staff approach students in a respectful and affirming manner, offering caring support for their efforts."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdB-8eLEW8g - this song makes a lot of sense to a lot of people. it makes more sense to me over time when i recognize that lord/he is each and every one of us. we are allied. like depeche mode's personal jesus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdB-8eLEW8g - this song makes a lot of sense to a lot of people. it makes more sense to me over time when i recognize that lord/he is each and every one of us. we are allied. like depeche mode's personal jesus.
when the post-wilderness students wrote up a petition, asking for a change to a policy requiring them to wear a t-shirt in pools, lakes, saunas, etc., i applauded their effort. this seemed to be 1 more in a series of rules made for silly fear based reasons - fear of hormones, of seeing humans as humans, fear of showing a little skin. (i ran on the beach 2 days ago and was pleased to see bikinis on tots thru adults, plus some questionable bottoms on some probably gay males). i was asked by 1 lad to lend my support to the petition with a signature. after a bit of thought, i agreed. apparently that was too far. then i had gone against the program. and i was talked to about this matter. a lot.
this conversation went on for many hours, over a series of days, mainly because i saw the ally-based approach differently than the institutionalized version of ally-based therapy. in my version, i actually allied. and if it made sense to lend support to some issue, i did. usually this support was off the record. when it went on the record, watch out. with SA, there was an invisible line that was too far. similar to a line that many students and guides may not want to cross when it comes to relationship building, mainly because SA trumpets a finite end to that relationship. a destruction of it. but that by no means guarantees an end to the relationship.
various types of relationships have and will continue to take place between former students and staff/former staff. and don't buy the hype of confidentiality as the reason why relationships should not continue - if the student is willing to blow their summit confidentiality, as about 100 or so are on the summit achievement facebook page, then their confidentiality is gone. yes, their treatment issues are still to remain confidential, but their status as confidential former participants is over, done, kaput. it's public knowledge now.
i was not the first to be fired for contact with a student. i am, however, the patsy that has brought this issue to light, that has refused to let this issue be dealt with in closed door hushes. very dylan thomasian, if i do say so myself. so, maybe i'll be the last; maybe it won't be in vain. because it's a rule, and a silly one at that, likely based out of fear.
truly, is there any other reason for former students and staff to not be able to communicate together other than fear? fear of using non-programmed thought speak? fear that people might actually, what, talk about life? fear that something outside of the sterilized concepts disguised within a natural setting will come out? fear that there will be more open room to say a huge shocker like, wait for it, "i drink alcohol" or even that horrible terrible drug marijuana! arrrgh! silliness.
(in regards to marijuana/hemp, i found this take on its history very interesting - http://viperrecords.com/index.php/component/content/article/56-new-prohibition/138-new-prohibition)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AXnS3y4knQ- if you're gonna read an article from immortal technique's record label, you may as well listen to him. how can't you dig someone with the words, "lyrically i'm infinite like possibilities"?!!
truly, is there any other reason for former students and staff to not be able to communicate together other than fear? fear of using non-programmed thought speak? fear that people might actually, what, talk about life? fear that something outside of the sterilized concepts disguised within a natural setting will come out? fear that there will be more open room to say a huge shocker like, wait for it, "i drink alcohol" or even that horrible terrible drug marijuana! arrrgh! silliness.
(in regards to marijuana/hemp, i found this take on its history very interesting - http://viperrecords.com/index.php/component/content/article/56-new-prohibition/138-new-prohibition)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AXnS3y4knQ- if you're gonna read an article from immortal technique's record label, you may as well listen to him. how can't you dig someone with the words, "lyrically i'm infinite like possibilities"?!!
since i've been fired, i've been in contact with numerous former students. and i predict there'll be a lot more to come. and w/out me ever having played the flute. this is what one of them had to say,
" i would also be lying to say i didn't appreciate/enjoy a majority of my time at SA but it baffles me that the rule was ever instated that keeping up with students/guides after graduating the program was a no-no, for like you said, isn't 'building relationships' the entire point of guides even being there in the first place? and to be trying to mentor those who seem to have lost hope and not found a solid, trustworthy ear? yet..once you've established that, and the kid has made headway in their chapter of life that is SA, they have to lose one of the most important and fundamental parts of their growth all because SA is worried about something going wrong with what THEY HAVE CREATED?? its pretty frankensteinal if you ask me! and yes. i did just make up that word."
i am not looking to take down SA. small potatoes. i will stop discussing it so frequently after this post, but the blog remains. it's public. it's made me more popular in a virtual sense than i've ever been before. i feel no need to advertise it, to dump it on say, SA's non-SA-controlled facebook page, but that doesn't mean somebody won't. a conversation has been made very public. as long as this dying macro-system that we billions abide by is in place, then i am happy there are places like SA. my hope is that they do grow from a lil dose of reality right smack dab in their face. adaptation, after all, is either a key or the key to survival.
revisit the ntp rule. for real. it does not protect people with abuse history, as the program is won't to say. that's an excuse. an excuse the program flaunts in those same people's faces every week when they have their hand shook, and on the occasional time when a hug is okay. when it's not okay, then people can get fired.
and it is not clear when it is not okay. and it makes little to no sense to have anyway.
http://www.suite101.com/content/the-benefits-of-human-touch-a155979
http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/explore-healing-practices/healing-touch/what-does-research-say
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128795325&sc=emaf - i like this one. it brought to mind the day when M broke her finger at SA, wanted to flip her lid and swear, etc, i put a comforting arm around her, and like magic, no swearing and raging. except it's not magic. it's basic human empathy 101
and on and on the research will go regarding touch being beneficial, not the opposite.
give guides some real decision making power. both at work and with a decision to facebook or google+ friend a former student. if not, they might just reach out and take some power that deserves to be in their hands.
perhaps turn the post-wilderness program into a true separate entity. a farm that supplies food for the community. it's okay with what it is now, but it's also changed like 5 times since i started years ago, because people recognize that it's not quite right, and meanwhile, nothing has actually changed - it is the same program.
" i would also be lying to say i didn't appreciate/enjoy a majority of my time at SA but it baffles me that the rule was ever instated that keeping up with students/guides after graduating the program was a no-no, for like you said, isn't 'building relationships' the entire point of guides even being there in the first place? and to be trying to mentor those who seem to have lost hope and not found a solid, trustworthy ear? yet..once you've established that, and the kid has made headway in their chapter of life that is SA, they have to lose one of the most important and fundamental parts of their growth all because SA is worried about something going wrong with what THEY HAVE CREATED?? its pretty frankensteinal if you ask me! and yes. i did just make up that word."
i am not looking to take down SA. small potatoes. i will stop discussing it so frequently after this post, but the blog remains. it's public. it's made me more popular in a virtual sense than i've ever been before. i feel no need to advertise it, to dump it on say, SA's non-SA-controlled facebook page, but that doesn't mean somebody won't. a conversation has been made very public. as long as this dying macro-system that we billions abide by is in place, then i am happy there are places like SA. my hope is that they do grow from a lil dose of reality right smack dab in their face. adaptation, after all, is either a key or the key to survival.
revisit the ntp rule. for real. it does not protect people with abuse history, as the program is won't to say. that's an excuse. an excuse the program flaunts in those same people's faces every week when they have their hand shook, and on the occasional time when a hug is okay. when it's not okay, then people can get fired.
and it is not clear when it is not okay. and it makes little to no sense to have anyway.
http://www.suite101.com/content/the-benefits-of-human-touch-a155979
http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/explore-healing-practices/healing-touch/what-does-research-say
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128795325&sc=emaf - i like this one. it brought to mind the day when M broke her finger at SA, wanted to flip her lid and swear, etc, i put a comforting arm around her, and like magic, no swearing and raging. except it's not magic. it's basic human empathy 101
and on and on the research will go regarding touch being beneficial, not the opposite.
give guides some real decision making power. both at work and with a decision to facebook or google+ friend a former student. if not, they might just reach out and take some power that deserves to be in their hands.
perhaps turn the post-wilderness program into a true separate entity. a farm that supplies food for the community. it's okay with what it is now, but it's also changed like 5 times since i started years ago, because people recognize that it's not quite right, and meanwhile, nothing has actually changed - it is the same program.
let go of the silly unrealistic controls regarding former student contact. in this world where billions are plugged into social networking sites, often under aliases, it's going to happen. revolutions worldwide took place recently because of fb and google allowing this type of contact and fellowship. embrace it
for the record - i had decided on what was now my last day of employment with SA, to take the route of contact with a former student. with M. let me take y'all back. Our post-wilderness team did a scavenger hunt the day prior to that. M had won the right to "get out of doing 1 post-meal chore." She took it on that tuesday, after lunch, so she could sit and talk with me.
Mostly we spoke of some things...issues, that continued to nag her. i mentioned during this talk, for the first time ever to a student, that i, too, had been a former program child. that was how we spoke. we related, on the realz. and nearing the end of this time block, when i realized i would not be able to pass on any more guiderific teachings if this was truly the end, i affirmed that i would stay in touch. deals like that can be very easy to make between all sorts of peoples.
the problem with this scenario for me was, M would have to first contact with me. under an alias. we'd be secret friends. i didn't want an alias type friendship. i did not want secrets. one of the few concepts i took away from AA because i've found lots of truth in it is, "we are as sick as our secrets." not only did i not want this faulty hidden friendship, i didn't want to have her be the lead on that path. i was her guide. so i took the lead. i took it while experiencing much more emotion than i had planned for, but the experiencing of emotion is also my life story in a nutshell; i love that i presently allow myself to feel regularly and to cry often.
taking the lead in this situation led to me getting found out earlier than i had planned. i had made a mental note to inform mik/SA of my contact as early as what would have been my last day, perhaps with a controversial goodbye speech. more likely, i would have said something soon thereafter. life didn't work out that way in this reality, and that is a-okay. all is as it should be.
a little texas flavor then, as a celebration of the way things went - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4_wXPZ1Bnk - my reflection woulds been jaded if i was hiding. but i can handle the seasons of my life. and life without SA. without, well, all i gave up. but i can handle reality. it's easier to handle, actually.
i'm a little long winded. like pt anderson in magnolia. or boogie nights. a long way down. but those movies rule, so i keep on.
on memorial day, at SA, i had what was one of my most memorable groups ever. i knew i was gonna say some shit, so i had planned that night to have group outdoors by a fire. we made it. had smores. but the black flies were terrible, so i pissed on the fire to put it out and then we did group inside. just kidding about the pissing. that night.
our groups begin with a check-in question that everybody answers. the questions range from nearly pure fluff to nearly super duper deep. the question this night was, "what's your get rich scheme?" i answered by beginning with my endgame utopian vision of life on earth, where we no longer use money or silly currencies like that, because that world to me brings about a richness that matters - some soul richness. (hey, rich, that's me!).
i then worked backwards, discussing some key actions that would need to take place to get there - ie, revolution and the overthrow of capitalism. there were a number of desirous knocks at this point. then i mentioned that this was a large part of what i'm writing about in my book. i think that altered a couple ideas liz wp had about me. and my lovely female protege, M, actually screamed out celebrating my answer. 1 kid then said something to the effect of, "spice, you're my hero." i had to say no to heroes and white knights and the like to get to the point that i was considered a hero. alanis morissette would be pleased. like i said, taking down summit is small potatoes compared to the plans for the world i'm designing in the lil book baby i've been nurturing for a long time. both systems, micro and macro, really only work because we actively choose them, support them, throw loads of money behind them, etc. i digress.
the group moves on. good stuff, getting lengthy, etc etc. i let people know i wanna have a convo, but if people weren't willing to sit for a bit, that the time was not now. and i wanted it to be now, then. people agreed to go late with group, and we talked.
i'd been noticing a number of comments directed towards 1 student who may or may not be gay. and the comments thrown almost exclusively towards him were comments like, "that's gay." many sentences involving the use of the word gay, used in a negative manner. that, my friends, is gay. as i've said, SA wants to be asexual, but they and i also want it to be a safe place, so i had to talk, and do some verbal dancing.
basically, i said this - do not use "gay" as a negative. there might be people among us at any point, friends and family, whom are gay. maybe in our community. maybe on the actual team we were a part of. i then attempted to ally, initially w/out throwing out labels. because i knew the kids loved me, but one or two might not want to "love" another, merely because of sexuality. so i stated that i'd had sex with both men and women. upon direct questioning by a student, i stated that i identify as pansexual. M explained what that meant to those that weren't aware, which may have been everybody else. and i loved then and now that here denotative definition came from a bit of a romantic perspective - loving people as people, not because of a constrained idea of gender.
i made it known that though i am very loving of myself now, that it took much questioning and pain to get to that point. that happens with identity. especially when sexuality is involved. and hiding and repressing can be very traumatic. ditto being oneself. and changing one's vision of themself.
like i said, when i was 17, and again 31, the more important questions came back: identity, existentialism, meaning. i found i needed a better perspective on my identity and to have a existentialist perspective, which helped foster a life with much more meaning. i wanted to pass this idea on, in short. by creating a safe environment. where people could discuss anything. where people would discuss their struggles.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElV585t9M6g&feature=related - so young he was. i'd guess by this that he wrote this song pre-Grace. and that he had a better understanding of what it took to be a complete human being than any psychological entity ever did.
M did. after this memorial day group closed, she immediately came to me and gave me a hug and passed on something i knew not about her - that she, too, identified as pansexual. that she'd stated this to her parentals and did not get the seal of approval. long sigh. (i hope y'all can recognize lots and lots of unsaid words in the disapproval and long sigh. if not, open your eyes)
granted, i didn't grow up having the internet, and as a youngster, i was ignorant of many things, sex and sexuality for sure. still, what 17 year old identifies in this way? it could be a near-sighted one that merely wants to push a couple buttons or try something on for size. it could be a smart one. one that's likely thought a lot about this matter. one that is much further advanced spiritually than i was at a comparable age. maybe all of the above. it's definitely the type that i am choosing to not walk away from.
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/ - another cause i feel i must support because of the silly anti-being-yourself-anti-human world we've created for ourselves.
will SA make the knee-jerk reaction and really only change by instructing guides to not allow students to nickname them, especially with a family relation label? perhaps. there is, after all, probably some disease or disorder that the DSM speaks of in relation to that type of language and labeling. that's fine.
Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Exaggerated
psychology in a nutshell.
hydration is one concept that SA teaches that i took to heart. i've never drank so much straight water as i have over the last few years. maybe i'm water crazy. they say (psychology?) it can happen. look at tom cruise over the last decade or so - wacky, and admitting that he drinks like 2 or 4 gallons of water daily. so, feel free to write this all off as the work of some hydrated looney tune. that's alright. i'm outtie anyway, off to tramp and traverse. only looney's do that, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzrXc68gNjQ - me. soon. maybe now.
regardless, i'm pleased with my writing output. and regardless, i'm gonna be M's friend. all else are welcome in my life as well. now and later. spiritually and physically. just know, if you need me to sign some prison sentence-like contract, or to align my thoughts with your opinions, silly or otherwise, then i've got an asshole that hasn't felt the glorious touch of a tongue in quite some time. you're welcome to that, also
To M, SA. Mik, and well, to everybody, with love
Mostly we spoke of some things...issues, that continued to nag her. i mentioned during this talk, for the first time ever to a student, that i, too, had been a former program child. that was how we spoke. we related, on the realz. and nearing the end of this time block, when i realized i would not be able to pass on any more guiderific teachings if this was truly the end, i affirmed that i would stay in touch. deals like that can be very easy to make between all sorts of peoples.
the problem with this scenario for me was, M would have to first contact with me. under an alias. we'd be secret friends. i didn't want an alias type friendship. i did not want secrets. one of the few concepts i took away from AA because i've found lots of truth in it is, "we are as sick as our secrets." not only did i not want this faulty hidden friendship, i didn't want to have her be the lead on that path. i was her guide. so i took the lead. i took it while experiencing much more emotion than i had planned for, but the experiencing of emotion is also my life story in a nutshell; i love that i presently allow myself to feel regularly and to cry often.
taking the lead in this situation led to me getting found out earlier than i had planned. i had made a mental note to inform mik/SA of my contact as early as what would have been my last day, perhaps with a controversial goodbye speech. more likely, i would have said something soon thereafter. life didn't work out that way in this reality, and that is a-okay. all is as it should be.
a little texas flavor then, as a celebration of the way things went - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4_wXPZ1Bnk - my reflection woulds been jaded if i was hiding. but i can handle the seasons of my life. and life without SA. without, well, all i gave up. but i can handle reality. it's easier to handle, actually.
i'm a little long winded. like pt anderson in magnolia. or boogie nights. a long way down. but those movies rule, so i keep on.
on memorial day, at SA, i had what was one of my most memorable groups ever. i knew i was gonna say some shit, so i had planned that night to have group outdoors by a fire. we made it. had smores. but the black flies were terrible, so i pissed on the fire to put it out and then we did group inside. just kidding about the pissing. that night.
our groups begin with a check-in question that everybody answers. the questions range from nearly pure fluff to nearly super duper deep. the question this night was, "what's your get rich scheme?" i answered by beginning with my endgame utopian vision of life on earth, where we no longer use money or silly currencies like that, because that world to me brings about a richness that matters - some soul richness. (hey, rich, that's me!).
i then worked backwards, discussing some key actions that would need to take place to get there - ie, revolution and the overthrow of capitalism. there were a number of desirous knocks at this point. then i mentioned that this was a large part of what i'm writing about in my book. i think that altered a couple ideas liz wp had about me. and my lovely female protege, M, actually screamed out celebrating my answer. 1 kid then said something to the effect of, "spice, you're my hero." i had to say no to heroes and white knights and the like to get to the point that i was considered a hero. alanis morissette would be pleased. like i said, taking down summit is small potatoes compared to the plans for the world i'm designing in the lil book baby i've been nurturing for a long time. both systems, micro and macro, really only work because we actively choose them, support them, throw loads of money behind them, etc. i digress.
the group moves on. good stuff, getting lengthy, etc etc. i let people know i wanna have a convo, but if people weren't willing to sit for a bit, that the time was not now. and i wanted it to be now, then. people agreed to go late with group, and we talked.
i'd been noticing a number of comments directed towards 1 student who may or may not be gay. and the comments thrown almost exclusively towards him were comments like, "that's gay." many sentences involving the use of the word gay, used in a negative manner. that, my friends, is gay. as i've said, SA wants to be asexual, but they and i also want it to be a safe place, so i had to talk, and do some verbal dancing.
basically, i said this - do not use "gay" as a negative. there might be people among us at any point, friends and family, whom are gay. maybe in our community. maybe on the actual team we were a part of. i then attempted to ally, initially w/out throwing out labels. because i knew the kids loved me, but one or two might not want to "love" another, merely because of sexuality. so i stated that i'd had sex with both men and women. upon direct questioning by a student, i stated that i identify as pansexual. M explained what that meant to those that weren't aware, which may have been everybody else. and i loved then and now that here denotative definition came from a bit of a romantic perspective - loving people as people, not because of a constrained idea of gender.
i made it known that though i am very loving of myself now, that it took much questioning and pain to get to that point. that happens with identity. especially when sexuality is involved. and hiding and repressing can be very traumatic. ditto being oneself. and changing one's vision of themself.
like i said, when i was 17, and again 31, the more important questions came back: identity, existentialism, meaning. i found i needed a better perspective on my identity and to have a existentialist perspective, which helped foster a life with much more meaning. i wanted to pass this idea on, in short. by creating a safe environment. where people could discuss anything. where people would discuss their struggles.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElV585t9M6g&feature=related - so young he was. i'd guess by this that he wrote this song pre-Grace. and that he had a better understanding of what it took to be a complete human being than any psychological entity ever did.
M did. after this memorial day group closed, she immediately came to me and gave me a hug and passed on something i knew not about her - that she, too, identified as pansexual. that she'd stated this to her parentals and did not get the seal of approval. long sigh. (i hope y'all can recognize lots and lots of unsaid words in the disapproval and long sigh. if not, open your eyes)
granted, i didn't grow up having the internet, and as a youngster, i was ignorant of many things, sex and sexuality for sure. still, what 17 year old identifies in this way? it could be a near-sighted one that merely wants to push a couple buttons or try something on for size. it could be a smart one. one that's likely thought a lot about this matter. one that is much further advanced spiritually than i was at a comparable age. maybe all of the above. it's definitely the type that i am choosing to not walk away from.
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/ - another cause i feel i must support because of the silly anti-being-yourself-anti-human world we've created for ourselves.
will SA make the knee-jerk reaction and really only change by instructing guides to not allow students to nickname them, especially with a family relation label? perhaps. there is, after all, probably some disease or disorder that the DSM speaks of in relation to that type of language and labeling. that's fine.
Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Exaggerated
psychology in a nutshell.
hydration is one concept that SA teaches that i took to heart. i've never drank so much straight water as i have over the last few years. maybe i'm water crazy. they say (psychology?) it can happen. look at tom cruise over the last decade or so - wacky, and admitting that he drinks like 2 or 4 gallons of water daily. so, feel free to write this all off as the work of some hydrated looney tune. that's alright. i'm outtie anyway, off to tramp and traverse. only looney's do that, right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzrXc68gNjQ - me. soon. maybe now.
regardless, i'm pleased with my writing output. and regardless, i'm gonna be M's friend. all else are welcome in my life as well. now and later. spiritually and physically. just know, if you need me to sign some prison sentence-like contract, or to align my thoughts with your opinions, silly or otherwise, then i've got an asshole that hasn't felt the glorious touch of a tongue in quite some time. you're welcome to that, also
To M, SA. Mik, and well, to everybody, with love
f' the man
ReplyDeleteThanks for everything Spiceous
you've got a gypsy soul to blame
- M
M -
ReplyDeletecould be i was "born for leavin'"
but i plan to be available to you until my last breath on earth and maybe longer