sunglasses indoors seems like such a spy move, such a hider move, such a Jack move. maybe now it'll be my move. in the recent past, the main reason i woulda worn shades indoors was to protect strangers feelings as i sat hurting hurting hurting from chasing mary oliver's "love, love, love." now that i've actualized that love and pain, i'm rather certain i will always be able to access it, but it's not the pain the motivates me to wear the shades this shady morning. the main motivator to wear them is choice.
i can, i kinda wanted to, so i will, did. it certainly doesn't hurt that dark tinted shades allow me to hold stares longer than eyes-bare-to-the-world stares. what does hurt is my eyes from wearing these shades too long, so there resting on my forehead now. oh, and about 30 minutes transpired between the sentence ending in stares to the sentence beginning in what?
i've been on long island now for just over a week. it's been pretty awesome, fun, healing, and hurtful, if you count the nibbles from the resident bulldog/beagle senor bluto. i've had a lot of feelings associated with NY, and often i'd oversimplify and associate unhappiness with LI, partially because i was overall unhappy for most of my time living here and because i grew to be significantly more unhappy than i ever realistically thought i'd be. and it's basically one large suburb. and cause i'd had my heart trampled on here. and because i did some downright dirty things, nay, despicable things here. then again, i've lived in a couple sweet places, like the home i'm revisiting now, pool and all. and i had my inspirations here that led me forget the cultish ways of AA, write a book, and be on the lovely path i've been on for the past 5+ years.
now i can add "made peace with LI" to the list of positives, which brings it about even or even ahead of all my negative associative's, despite being one large suburb. being around 2 of my favorite people in the world certainly helped that. and eating lots of good food, usually good meats: hamburgers, turkey burgers, wings, kobe beef hot dog, steak, and maybe more. and playing some poker. and cuddling with a dog. and barely having to open my wallet. yes, i am grateful, and send off a pubic thanks most especially to my favorite young girl, steven hoffman ;)
that's not to say that all of my time has been spent on this island since i traveled here about 10 days back. i had one day in the city looking for work, one doing work, and one to allow steve no guilt for not entertaining me while i put myself in position to see some friends. i didn't end up hanging out with anybody that i know, but i may have seen one - miriam.
it's hard to even fathom the ingredients that need to go into play to happen upon 1 particular person at 1 particular time in a city of 8 million or so when there were no plans to meet up and neither knew the whereabouts of the other and the particular place was not an area either knew the other to frequent. hard to fathom, not hard to believe.
i'd been chilling in central park, catching up in turn with my younger brother and then my friend mikey. some sprinkles coupled with an urge to smoke and park regulations preventing me from doing so there under threat of a large fine led me to a spot a few blocks away, just off the corner of, i think, 59th st and 7th ave. as i crouched in a catcher position, puffing away, and continuing to talk with mike, i notice someone holding me in a turn around gaze as they crossed the street. our eyes, for maybe the last time, no matter whom this woman was, met.
my eyes may be a foolin' me. i stand about 80% or so that it was my ex-lover. since i currently would believe only about 30% of what came out of her mouth, even if she told me that was her, the 80% may not rise up much higher.
she carried a large pocketbook. she looked happy. her hair was down, conditioner bouncy. she looked like she was on a 1st or 2nd date.
after running through a series of distressing feelings and thoughts over the ensuing hours, i found some relief later that night through one more action in a series of recent heartbreaking interpersonal actions involving the woman whom decided some unexplained reasoning(s) were more important than the love she may or may not have ever really had for me - i defriended her from my facebook and sent her a simple, difficult email stating, "i'm not gonna be able to be your friend. not now, maybe not ever." the email may have been doubly simple, actually, as the subject space contained a line from the Simple Minds song "Don't You (Forget About Me," which was all too appropriate for a rainy day chance encounter with an ex-lover, now ex-friend.
I did the defriending for 2 main reasons. 1 - I'm not likely to want her as a platonic friend for sometime. As much as she may have fucked me over and as cuckoo cuckoo clocky as she may be, I'd still pine after her, and now she's free of that as she searches for whatever it is she wants/needs. same for me. 2 - I know myself. I'd probably check her facebook multiple times daily, I'd think and think and rethink over the potential meanings regarding her posts, her friend's posts, her possible lovers, and more and more. I don't need that drama, let alone the intense, upsetting drama we already had. without an expectation of communication between us, i again have a peace in relation to her that i did during some of the few times we were wrapped closely together.
perhaps my time with her will eventually end up as book or novella length. for now, it's short story length. chapter one - the quick rise of love. chapter two - the quicker deterioration of all we shared and cared for together. back now to dancing, "alone, you know it baby."
that's not to say that all of my time has been spent on this island since i traveled here about 10 days back. i had one day in the city looking for work, one doing work, and one to allow steve no guilt for not entertaining me while i put myself in position to see some friends. i didn't end up hanging out with anybody that i know, but i may have seen one - miriam.
it's hard to even fathom the ingredients that need to go into play to happen upon 1 particular person at 1 particular time in a city of 8 million or so when there were no plans to meet up and neither knew the whereabouts of the other and the particular place was not an area either knew the other to frequent. hard to fathom, not hard to believe.
i'd been chilling in central park, catching up in turn with my younger brother and then my friend mikey. some sprinkles coupled with an urge to smoke and park regulations preventing me from doing so there under threat of a large fine led me to a spot a few blocks away, just off the corner of, i think, 59th st and 7th ave. as i crouched in a catcher position, puffing away, and continuing to talk with mike, i notice someone holding me in a turn around gaze as they crossed the street. our eyes, for maybe the last time, no matter whom this woman was, met.
my eyes may be a foolin' me. i stand about 80% or so that it was my ex-lover. since i currently would believe only about 30% of what came out of her mouth, even if she told me that was her, the 80% may not rise up much higher.
she carried a large pocketbook. she looked happy. her hair was down, conditioner bouncy. she looked like she was on a 1st or 2nd date.
after running through a series of distressing feelings and thoughts over the ensuing hours, i found some relief later that night through one more action in a series of recent heartbreaking interpersonal actions involving the woman whom decided some unexplained reasoning(s) were more important than the love she may or may not have ever really had for me - i defriended her from my facebook and sent her a simple, difficult email stating, "i'm not gonna be able to be your friend. not now, maybe not ever." the email may have been doubly simple, actually, as the subject space contained a line from the Simple Minds song "Don't You (Forget About Me," which was all too appropriate for a rainy day chance encounter with an ex-lover, now ex-friend.
I did the defriending for 2 main reasons. 1 - I'm not likely to want her as a platonic friend for sometime. As much as she may have fucked me over and as cuckoo cuckoo clocky as she may be, I'd still pine after her, and now she's free of that as she searches for whatever it is she wants/needs. same for me. 2 - I know myself. I'd probably check her facebook multiple times daily, I'd think and think and rethink over the potential meanings regarding her posts, her friend's posts, her possible lovers, and more and more. I don't need that drama, let alone the intense, upsetting drama we already had. without an expectation of communication between us, i again have a peace in relation to her that i did during some of the few times we were wrapped closely together.
perhaps my time with her will eventually end up as book or novella length. for now, it's short story length. chapter one - the quick rise of love. chapter two - the quicker deterioration of all we shared and cared for together. back now to dancing, "alone, you know it baby."
though tonight, i won't be doing much of the dancing. that'll be provided to me by some strippers, free of entrance charge, with free drinks to boot. i can feel the nipple-pastie healing commencing already.
No comments:
Post a Comment